Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
