if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
