Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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