there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
