We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
They took my balls.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
