Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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