I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
