dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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