I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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