mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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