glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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