Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
