i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
