Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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