i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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