im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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