note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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