oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
