If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
