Moan for me like Helen Keller
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
