If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
