tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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