I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
