you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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