I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
