My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
