I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
