I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize