Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
