just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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