i already hear my dad disowning me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have tasted many bathrooms
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
