thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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