Just cropdusted the office
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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