Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
