i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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