I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
