and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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