You're so nebulous sometimes
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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