thus making me awesome and them whores
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
