I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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