He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
