I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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