He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize