Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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