I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He passed out mid-signature
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
