I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize