party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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