PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
