i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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