hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
