Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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