...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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