I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
