we have pet lesbian snakes
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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