I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Two words: nipple clamps
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