I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
