I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
