Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
