pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
