she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
