My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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