i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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