White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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