Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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