He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
