I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
