Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
PANTIES FOUND
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